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Marital Compatibility 

One of the primary functions of marriage is to achieve psychological reassurance and stability, where each spouse finds in the other a source of joy, comfort, a support of compassion, and help in facing life’s problems and meeting its needs. 

Therefore, the Holy Quran expresses the marital relationship as being tranquility (sakan) and a refuge to which a person resorts. He Almighty says: ﴿ And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy… ﴾ 1. Tranquility and reassurance in marital life are only achieved if the relationship between the spouses is within the framework of affection (mawaddah) and mercy (rahmah). Mawaddah means love and emotional yearning, while rahmah means each spouse’s gentleness and compassion towards the other. 

This is the foundation of marital compatibility, without which the goals of married life cannot be achieved. Marital compatibility means the ability of each spouse to harmonize with the other and with the demands of marriage. The opposite of compatibility is discord (tanafur), which begins with negative impressions formed by one spouse towards the other, or by both, and by actions and behaviors from one spouse that contradict the desire of the other, or from both, thereby filling the sky of marital life with clouds of dispute and conflict, and disturbing its clarity with impurities of harm and annoyance. 

If not addressed, disputes and problems in marital life rob both spouses of their comfort and happiness, and cause them to lose the most important features and characteristics of the marital bond. Family conflict puts more pressure on a person than any other conflict because it occurs within the closest circle to oneself. Family conflicts also affect the upbringing of children; their souls become torn, their rights are lost, and they face life through a polluted and bad atmosphere. 

Of course, no matter how high the degree of marital compatibility, it does not prevent some disagreements and problems from occurring between the spouses, especially in the early years of marriage when each has little experience with the other and trust is in its initial stages. However, the approach to dealing with problems that arise, if it is conscious and mature, prevents them from escalating and developing, and rather transforms them into a source of enrichment and protection for the experience of compatibility between the spouses. 

Causes of Problems 

None of the spouses desires problems in their marital life; rather, they both wish for happiness and harmony. However, there are factors and causes under which family disagreements and problems arise and grow. Among these are internal factors, such as a weak culture of marital relations, where newlyweds rely on emotional impulse, imitation of the existing situation in society, and a simple, spontaneous understanding of the nature of the marital relationship, without possessing adequate knowledge of Islamic legislations and teachings regarding mutual rights between spouses, or the ethics and morals of family dealings, and without sufficient awareness of specialized scientific research and guidance. 

Other internal factors include moodiness and bad character, which may be present in one or both spouses. The extent of disagreements and crises depends on the degree of this bad character, especially if the other spouse is unable to tolerate and adapt. 

There are also external factors, including interference from the in-laws of the spouses, and life difficulties and economic hardships. Often, the family’s economic crises reflect negatively on marital compatibility. 

Awareness and Marital Culture 

The life awareness of the spouses and their possession of a level of marital culture serve as a protective factor and immunity against the outbreak of harmful disputes or their intensification and exacerbation. No matter how high the degree of marital compatibility, the occurrence of some disagreement is possible and expected, especially when facing crises and difficulties. This is where the role of awareness and maturity of character comes in, to handle the situation with reason and wisdom, away from tension and emotion, which can turn a simple problem into a complex issue. 

Religious teachings that speak to each spouse about the rights of the other, their virtue and status, and urge respect and service towards them, and tolerance of their mistakes or shortcomings, aim to strengthen immunity in the psyche of both spouses against the problems they may face in their marital relationship. There are many religious texts addressing the husband to recognize his wife’s worth, treat her kindly, and fulfill his responsibility towards her. The Holy Quran repeatedly emphasizes treating wives kindly. He Almighty says: ﴿ … And consort with them in kindness … ﴾ 2, and says: ﴿ … Then retain them in kindness … ﴾ 3. 

Allah (swt) forbids men from causing any annoyance or harm to their wives in their living conditions, such as housing, even if divorced, as long as she is in her revocable waiting period (iddah). He Almighty says: ﴿ Lodge them where you dwell according to your means, and do not harm them to make things difficult for them… ﴾ 4. 

In the noble Sunnah, there are many hadiths and narrations in this direction, such as his (s) saying: “Jibril continued to advise me about women until I thought that one should not divorce her except for clear immorality.” 5, and he (s) said: “Behold, whoever patiently endures the bad character of a woman and seeks reward for it, Allah will give him the reward of the grateful on the Day of Resurrection.” 6, and he (s) said: “Behold, the best among you is the best to his wives, and I am the best among you to my wives.” 7, and he (s) said: “A man’s saying to a woman, ‘I love you,’ never leaves her heart.” 8. 

Ishaq ibn ‘Ammar said: I said to Abu ‘Abdillah (Ja’far al-Sadiq) (a): “What is the right of a woman upon her husband that, if he fulfills it, he is considered good?” He (a) said: “He satisfies her hunger, clothes her, and if she is ignorant, he forgives her.” And he (a) said: “There was a woman with my father who annoyed him, and he would forgive her.” 9. 

From Imam al-Sadiq (a): “May Allah have mercy on a servant who does good between himself and his wife.” 10. From Imam al-Sadiq (a): “A husband cannot do without three things in his relationship with his wife: agreement to win her agreement, love, and desire; good character with her; and attracting her heart by appearing handsome in her eyes and being generous with her.” 11. 

On the other hand, there are religious texts addressing the wife, reminding her of the husband’s virtue, role, and status in her marital life, and that she must respect his position as the head of the family, bearing its burdens and responsibilities. Umm al-Mu’minin ‘A’ishah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (s) said: “The person with the greatest right over a woman is her husband.” 12. 

And he (s) said: “If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allah, I would command a woman to prostrate to her husband. By the One in whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, a woman does not fulfill the right of her Lord until she fulfills the right of her husband.” 13. 

From Husayn ibn Mihsan al-Ansari that his aunt came to the Prophet (s), and he asked her: “Are you married?” She said: “Yes.” He (s) said: “Look at your position with him, for he is your Paradise and your Hell.” 14. 

And he (s) said: “There is no woman who obeys and fulfills the right of her husband, remembers his goodness, and does not betray him regarding herself or his wealth, except that she will be one degree below the martyrs in Paradise.” 15. 

Guidance and Awareness 

The marriage contract, concluded by the offer (ijab) from the wife or her representative and the acceptance (qabul) from the husband or his representative, means they are signing a mutual agreement. This should be preceded by a clear understanding from both of them of the obligations this agreement entails towards the other, and the rights it grants over the other. However, such a clear understanding of marital rights and obligations may not be available to many who enter the golden nest of marriage. 

It is observed that undertaking important tasks comes after appropriate qualification and preparation to accomplish them. Flying a plane, or even driving a car, practicing medicine, even nursing, teaching, and similar tasks and missions are usually preceded by qualification and preparation. Yet marital life, despite its importance, is entered into by young men and women without having an educational guidance program, and without attaining a level of culture and knowledge regarding the nature of this marital relationship, its functions, etiquettes, and how to face the obstacles and difficulties that may confront it. 

This should be undertaken by educational curricula at the secondary and university levels. Awareness guidance should precede the marriage contract, even through self-education, by each spouse acquiring research that includes the teachings of Islam on managing marital life, through readable or audible means. 

It is very appropriate for those who officiate marriage contracts, such as representatives and authorized religious officiants, to have a role and contribution in directing those approaching marriage towards the guidance and rulings of Islam in the field of marital relations, by speaking with them, giving them appropriate books, publications, recorded lectures, or encouraging them to acquire them. This holds great benefit and immense reward from Allah (swt), as it is an example of calling to good, guidance, direction, enjoining good, and forbidding evil. It also serves social reform, strengthens the fabric of society, and reinforces its cohesion. 

Some social institutions have taken the initiative to hold educational and awareness courses for groups of those approaching marital life. This is a very beneficial program that should become a good tradition (sunnah hasanah) to help our sons and daughters succeed in their marital lives, especially as we live in circumstances where the intensity of family problems has increased and the rate of divorce has risen, as numbers and statistics indicate. 

Protecting Marital Rights 

The legislation of balanced and appropriate mutual rights between spouses in the Islamic social system forms the solid foundation and strong base for building a sound relationship between them and establishing a good family life. Islamic legislation did not leave the ship of marital relations to the winds of emotion and personal mood, nor to the waves of unjust customs and traditions. Rather, it legislated clear controls and limits for the relationship between spouses and warned against transgressing them. In two consecutive verses of Surat al-Baqarah, the Holy Quran speaks about these controls under the title “limits of Allah” (hudud Allah) and repeats this title six times regarding them. He Almighty says: ﴿ … Unless they fear that they will not keep (within) the limits of Allah. Then if you fear that they will not keep (within) the limits of Allah, there is no blame upon them for what she ransoms herself with. These are the limits of Allah, so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits of Allah, it is they who are the wrongdoers. ﴾ 16. In the following verse, He Almighty says: ﴿ … If they think that they will keep (within) the limits of Allah. And these are the limits of Allah, He makes them clear for a people who know. ﴾ 17. 

Furthermore, Islam did not make marital rights a privilege or a weapon in the hands of either party; rather, they are mutual and balanced rights between them. He Almighty says: ﴿ … And they (women) have rights similar (mithl) to those (of men) over them in kindness… ﴾ 18. 

The similarity (mithl) here does not mean the same kind of rights in their details, as if each right on one is exactly a right on the other to the same degree. No, because there are differences in the nature of each spouse’s role in marital life that necessitate a kind of difference in functions and rights. Maintenance (nafaqah) is a right of the wife over the husband, and he has no right to spend on her. Her leaving the house requires his permission (with details explained elsewhere), while he does not have a similar right over her. Thus, similarity here means correspondence and resemblance in the very existence of the obligation of rights from each party towards the other; they are balanced and equivalent, but differ in some aspects and details. 

Guarantees of Commitment 

The legislation of marital rights is like designing a map for family construction. However, no matter how brilliant this map is in its engineering and design, it will remain ink on paper unless the will to implement and commit to those rights exists on a practical level in the relationship between the spouses. 

It is observed that there are many transgressions against marital rights in our societies. The high rate of divorce and the density of family dispute cases in courts are but indicators of the existence of those transgressions. Therefore, it is necessary to activate guarantees of commitment and programs for protecting marital rights to provide an atmosphere of marital compatibility, a foundation for harmony and happiness, and to protect family relationships from cracking and collapse. 

One of the most important guarantees of commitment to marital rights is knowledge and awareness of them by both parties. We notice that many husbands are ignorant of their binding obligations and imagine that they have rights over their wives that the holy Lawgiver (Shari’) did not impose. As a result of this ignorance and incorrect perceptions, family problems and crises occur. 

For example, some husbands believe that housework is a right of the husband over the wife. He gets angry if she is negligent or remiss in some services, like cooking, washing, and childcare, and may take action to hold her accountable and punish her, believing that she has neglected a duty upon her. 

Some time ago, I spoke with a person about a crisis between him and his wife that almost led to separation because she bought a house with her own personal money while he was traveling, without his knowledge. He imagined that she was not allowed to take such a step without his permission; otherwise, what is his value as a husband? When I informed him that the husband has no right or authority in Islamic law over his wife’s disposition of her own money and personal affairs, he was surprised by this statement!! 

Also, some wives believe that their husband must fulfill all their desires, especially in the field of shopping, following fashion trends, and luxuries. The husband’s refusal to do so is considered a shortcoming regarding her rights!! Most of them consider the husband’s thought of marrying another woman, and his action upon it, as an unforgivable betrayal and sin, and it becomes a justification for rebelling against the husband’s rights and abandoning every commitment towards him. 

I know of a wife who filed a lawsuit in the religious court demanding divorce from her husband because he married another woman, even while she acknowledged in court that her husband had no shortcomings towards her. In some wives, this has even evolved into monitoring their husband’s phone calls and recording his conversations to catch him in the act!! 

These perceptions and practices often reveal a lack of knowledge and clarity regarding marital rights issues, while Allah (swt) intends to clarify and make them clear to people, as the noble verse indicates: ﴿ … And these are the limits of Allah, He makes them clear for a people who know. ﴾ 17. 

Protective Measures 

Mere knowledge and awareness of rights do not prevent their transgression. Various motives and factors may tempt one of the spouses to violate some of the other’s rights. Here, it is necessary to legislate procedures to protect these rights. This is what the detailed rulings on nushuz (disobedience/disloyalty) in Islamic jurisprudence provide. 

Linguistically, nushuz means rising or elevation. It is said: “nashaza min al-ard” from a place elevated above its surroundings. In Shari’ terminology, it means the spouse’s violation of the obligations required by the marriage contract according to the Shari’ designation. Nushuz is a quality applicable to each spouse if they do not commit to the other’s rights upon them, while the other spouse commits to the rights of the nashiz (disobedient one). Just as nushuz is realized from the wife if she does not commit to the husband’s rights upon her while he commits to her rights, similarly it is realized from the husband if he does not commit to his wife’s rights upon him while she commits to her rights upon him 19. The Holy Quran uses the word nushuz to describe the behavior of the wife towards her husband and the behavior of the husband towards his wife. He Almighty says: ﴿ … And those (wives) from whom you fear nushuz… ﴾ 20. And He Almighty says: ﴿ And if a woman fears from her husband nushuz… ﴾ 21. 

Nushuz of the Wife 

Nushuz of the wife occurs when she violates the obligatory obedience owed to her husband, by not enabling him to enjoy what is rightfully his from her, as well as by leaving her home without his permission. It does not occur by leaving his obedience in what is not obligatory upon her 22. 

Ibn Qudamah al-Hanbali said: “If she shows nushuz, which is to disobey him and refuse his bed, or leave his home without his permission.” 23. 

Nushuz in the legal sense does not occur from the wife unless she rebels against the obligation to fulfill one of these two rights required of her for her husband by virtue of the marriage contract: (1) sexual enjoyment, and (2) seeking his permission to leave the home. As for her disobeying him in matters not related to these two, it is not considered nushuz, and the rulings of nushuz do not apply. 

Al-Shahid al-Thani said in al-Masalik: “Verbal abuse (badha’at al-lisan) and cursing are not part of nushuz nor its preludes, but she sins by them and deserves discipline (ta’dib) for it. Whether it is permissible for the husband to discipline her for that and the like which does not relate to enjoyment, or does he refer her case to the ruler? There are two opinions mentioned in the book of al-Amr bil Ma’ruf. The stronger view is that the husband, in matters beyond the right of cohabitation and enjoyment, is like a stranger (ajnabi), even if that spoils his life and disturbs his enjoyment… And there is no effect for refusing his needs that do not relate to enjoyment, as that is not obligatory upon her.” 24. 

Sayyid al-Shirazi said: “It appears that nushuz according to the Shari’ah, based on evidence, is not realized by either spouse refraining from that which is recommended (mustahabb) towards the other, even if that causes disharmony and discord and changes the previous state. So, a woman refraining from what is not obligatory upon her, such as breastfeeding, cooking, sweeping, washing, and the like, is not nushuz, and its occurrence from them is not discord (shiqaq). Similarly, cursing, and even hitting and fighting with each other and the like, which is common among some commoners, is not considered nushuz or discord.” 25. 

The Husband’s Defense of His Rights 

When the wife refrains from responding to her husband’s desire for enjoyment without justification, or insists on leaving her home without his consent for no valid reason, the holy Lawgiver (Shari’) has allowed him to use some methods to defend his rights and bring his wife back to the path of righteousness. The legitimate methods to deter the wife from her rebellion are graded as follows: 

1. Admonition (Wa’z): He Almighty says: ﴿ … And those (wives) from whom you fear nushuz, advise them… ﴾ 20. If indicators of a rebellious state appear in the wife regarding the husband’s rights, one should initiate treatment of this state psychologically and intellectually. The husband should open up to his wife, understand the motives for her behavior, and address her conscience and mind by explaining that disturbing her marital relationship is not in her interest in this world or the next, warning her of Allah’s anger and the destruction of her family future. He should discuss the thoughts, perceptions, and motives driving the rebellion, proving their error and wrongness through convincing methods and effective means. The situation may require repeating the admonition and using various methods. Using commanding and forbidding methods, meeting her with shouting and scolding, does not achieve the desired goal and may lead to the opposite result. 
2. Forsaking in Bed (Hajr fil Madi’): If admonition is unsuccessful and fails to change the wife’s stance, the husband moves to practice another method to pressure her personality: showing his disregard and indifference towards her by forsaking her in the bed. He Almighty says: ﴿ … advise them, forsake them in bed… ﴾ 20. This can be by separating from her during sleep, or turning his back to her if they sleep in the same place. 
3. Is it permissible to strike (Darb) the wife? If the method of admonition and advice fails, and the method of psychological pressure through forsaking and ignoring does not work, and the wife remains insistent on her rebellion, is the husband left with no recourse, silent as his rights are violated? Is the solution to end his marital relationship with her through divorce, with all its consequences for the lives of both spouses and the children? Should he refer the matter to the ruler (hakim), exposing the secrets of their married life, especially given the difficulty of proof in internal matters? 

Another method remains that may have an effect and restore the woman to her senses: using some physical harm through striking (darb), which has a significant psychological impact and may achieve the desired goal. 

Striking the wife is a disliked (makruh) means and a degrading method. Therefore, many texts warn against using it. It is narrated from the Messenger of Allah (s) that he said: “Any man who slaps his wife, Allah (swt) will command Malik, the keeper of the Fire, to slap him on his burning face seventy slaps in the Hellfire.” 26. And he (s) said: “I am amazed at one who strikes his wife, while he is more deserving of being struck than her. Do not strike your women with a stick, for indeed it entails retaliation (qisas).” 27. And he (s) said: “Does one of you strike his woman and then embrace her?” 28. 

However, if this disliked method becomes a means to avoid something even more disliked, and is like cauterization as a last resort, then Islam permits the husband to use it within narrow limits. 

Jurists said: “… It is permissible for him to strike her if he hopes that she will return to obedience and abandon nushuz. He should restrict himself to the least amount that may possibly have an effect. It is not permissible to exceed that if the purpose is achieved; otherwise, he should escalate gradually, as long as it does not cause bleeding, nor is it severe enough to leave an effect on her body such as blackening or reddening. It is necessary that this be done with the intention of reform, not vengeance or retaliation. If injury results from the striking, compensation (ghurm) is obligatory.” 29. That is, if his striking leaves a mark on her body, even a change in skin color (redness or blackness), then the prescribed blood money (diyah) is upon him, as in the book of Diyat. This is the view of the Shia (and the Hanafis and Shafi’is). As for the Hanbalis and Malikis, they hold that there is no compensation because the striking is religiously permitted (ma’dhun fihi shar’an). 30. 

Some exploit this legal view by adopting physical violence against their wives inappropriately, exceeding the permissible limit. This is a forbidden criminal act. All laws are subject to exploitation and misuse. Permissibility is in exceptional cases when the wife rebels against marital rights and when other means of treatment fail, and on condition that the striking is intended for reform, not vengeance or retaliation, and that it leaves no mark on the body such as bleeding, blackening, or reddening. All this is with the possibility that the striking may reform her; if it is known that it will not have an effect, it is not permissible. 

Ibn Qudamah al-Hanbali mentioned: “And he should not exceed ten lashes in striking her, based on the saying of the Messenger of Allah (s): ‘No one should lash more than ten lashes except for a prescribed penalty (hadd) from the penalties of Allah.’ Agreed upon.” 31. 

 

1. Freezing her Rights: When nushuz from the wife is established by her rebellion against the husband’s rights, it is the husband’s right to freeze her rights, such as maintenance (nafaqah), sexual relations, and overnight stay (mabit), until she returns to the path of commitment to marital duties. Then, all her rights return to her. 
2. Referring to the Religious Ruler (Hakim Shari’): If no other action can be taken by the husband beyond the previous measures, and if the wife insists on her nushuz, he refers the matter to the religious ruler (hakim al-shar’i), who will act as he deems appropriate. 

The Wife’s Defense of Her Rights 

Nushuz of the husband is realized by his rebellion against his obligatory rights towards his wife, including maintenance (nafaqah), sexual relations, overnight stay with her on her night, and good treatment. If he fails in one of these rights, the wife has the following means of defense: 

1. Claiming the Right: She is not required to remain silent and submissive. Rather, she has the right to insist on her right and demand that he fulfill it. 
2. Admonition and Warning: Through emotional communication with the husband, reminding him of the limits of Allah (swt), his responsibility before Him, that He Almighty is angered by injustice and hates the wrongdoers, and warning him of the consequences of disturbing their marital life and its reflection on their own souls and on the children. 
3. Extracting her Financial Rights: If the husband refuses to provide maintenance to his wife or is negligent, and demanding and admonishing do not work, she is permitted to take the amount of her maintenance from his money without his permission. Hind bint ‘Utbah, the mother of Mu’awiyah, came to the Messenger of Allah (s) and said: “Abu Sufyan is a miserly man. He does not give me enough for me and my children, except what I take from him without his knowledge.” He (s) said: “Take what is sufficient for you and your child, according to what is known (bil ma’ruf).” 32. 
4. Freezing Some of his Rights: If he stops spending on her and she is forced to work to provide for her own maintenance, then while she works, she is not obligated to obey him or respond to what he requests of his rights. 
5. Intervention of the Religious Ruler (Hakim Shari’): Often, the wife cannot impose her legitimate demands and extract her rights through her own ability. Here, she must know that the Islamic system and religious law (hukm shar’i) stand with her and defend her rights, obligating the husband to fulfill his duties towards her. 

 

If the husband refuses to provide the necessary maintenance, she can refer her case to the religious ruler (hakim al-shar’i). He then gives the husband the choice between spending or divorcing. If he refuses both, the religious ruler extracts her maintenance from his money against his will. If that is not possible, it is permissible for the ruler to divorce her if the wife desires that. 

If her husband forsakes her (hajara) and does not fulfill the duty of marital relations with her, she refers her case to the religious ruler, who obligates him either to return from forsaking her or to divorce. If he refuses both, the religious ruler disciplines him (yu’addibuhu) as he sees fit, including imprisonment. If that does not work and the wife desires divorce, the religious ruler divorces her. 

If the husband harms his wife and disputes with her without legal justification, she is permitted to refer her case to the religious ruler, to prevent him from harming and oppressing her, and to oblige him to consort with her in kindness (bil ma’ruf). If that works, fine; otherwise, the ruler reprimands him (yu’aziruhu) as he sees fit. If that still does not work, she may demand divorce. If he refuses and cannot be forced to divorce, the religious ruler divorces her. 33. 

It is not permissible for the husband to blackmail his wife, harming her or neglecting her rights so that she gives him some of her wealth to fulfill her rights or to divorce her. That money he takes is from illicit gains (suht). 

Arbitration and Reform in Marital Disputes 

The reality of marital life, whether stable or disturbed, its effects are not limited to the lives of the spouses, but its results, positive or negative, reflect on the entire society. This truth becomes clear in the following points: 

 

1. The nature of a person’s marital relationship affects their psychological and behavioral state, and consequently their level of productivity and effectiveness. If they live in marital compatibility, this will reflect positively on their social performance and public life. If they suffer from disturbance in their marital relationship, it will negatively affect their productivity and behavior. 
2. The greatest impact of the state of the marital relationship appears on the upbringing and rearing of children. In the atmosphere of family stability, they receive better care and upbringing. However, in an atmosphere of disturbance and conflict in the relationship between parents, they will be the victims of emotional and psychological trauma, neglect, and may become a battleground for one spouse’s revenge against the other. 

 

Data on juvenile delinquency indicates that the vast majority of them belong to families suffering from disturbances in their marital relationships. Educational counselors in schools also observe that most students suffering from low educational and moral standards are from families lacking internal harmony. 

 

1. The state of marital relations also reflects on the unity, cohesion, and social security of society. The effects of disturbance extend to a wide circle of the spouses’ families and sympathizers. Disputes may escalate to reach courts and official bodies, or develop into severe conflicts. 
2. Family disputes form a breach in the moral security of society. Disturbance in marital relations may push some wives and husbands to seek emotional relationships outside the marital framework, leading to marital infidelity and behavioral deviations. 

 

Faced with these dangers, society must bear its responsibility for prevention by providing an atmosphere of family stability, addressing the causes of disturbance, and initiating solutions for family disputes. Society should not remain silent and watchful over cases of discord and conflict in marital life. 

Family Arbitration 

The Holy Quran spoke about the necessity of initiating and addressing any marital dispute that threatens the stability of the marital relationship. It proposed a project for treatment and resolution, represented by choosing an arbitrator (hakam) from the husband’s family and another from the wife’s family, who are appointed to study the problem of dispute between them and propose what is necessary for resolution. Their decision is binding on the spouses. He Almighty says: ﴿ And if you fear a breach (shiqaq) between the two, appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause harmony between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things]. ﴾ 34. 

Choosing the two arbitrators from the spouses’ families aims to benefit from their affection and their concern for the interest of their close relatives. Also, their access to the secrets of the spouses’ lives is not as embarrassing as the access of strangers in public courts, in addition to this family arbitration bypassing the constraints and expenses of public courts. 

However, this is conditional upon each of the two arbitrators intending reconciliation and the return of harmony and accord between the spouses, not intending victory for one party or revenge against the other. This is emphasized by His Almighty saying: ﴿ … If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause harmony between them… ﴾ 34. 

Who Appoints the Two Arbitrators? 

The noble verse ﴿ And if you fear a breach between them, then appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family… ﴾ 34 directs a command to take the initiative to appoint two arbitrators for treatment and reconciliation. “It appears that this appointment is obligatory (wajib) in agreement with a group (of scholars), based on the apparent meaning of the command, and because it is part of enjoining good (al-amr bil ma’ruf) and from the responsibilities (hisab) for which the ruler (hakim) is appointed.” 35. This was stated by al-Shirbini al-Shafi’i in Mughni al-Muhtaj and narrated from a number of scholars 36. 

Some jurists hold that it is recommended (mustahabb) and that the command in the verse is “guidance to a method of reform, so obligation is not derived from it.” 37. Most jurists hold that “those addressed by the appointment – the appointment of the two arbitrators – are the appointed rulers (hukkam) designated for such matters.” 38. 

For one who reflects on the noble verse, it appears that the more correct view is what other scholars, including Sayyid al-Sabzawari, mentioned. He stated: “Since the subject matter is reform (islah) and good (ma’ruf), which is beloved by the Shari’ah, rather by all people, the address is directed to everyone who is aware of the subject and is able to remove the discord between them through good words, subtle planning, and the like, similar to His Almighty saying: ﴿ … So make peace between your brothers… ﴾ 39 (Surat al-Hujurat, Verse 10). It is not specifically restricted to the religious ruler (hakim al-shar’i), except when there is a dispute and litigation between them that needs to be decided according to the standards of judges. However, precaution (ihtiyat) is to appoint him in all cases.” 40. 

There is no disagreement about the permissibility and recommendation of taking the initiative for the sake of reconciling the parties (islah dhat al-bayn) by any party, such as the spouses themselves, their families, the ruler, or others. “In summary, there should be no disagreement about the permissibility of appointment by any of these, and its obligation if reform depends on it, especially the ruler (hakim) and the two spouses.” 35. 

If the two spouses appoint two arbitrators from their side, they are considered agents (wakilayn), and their decision is executed within the limits of the agency granted to each, no more. According to most jurists, they are not then considered arbitrators (hakamayn). Sayyid al-Shirazi affirms the validity of those appointed by the spouses being considered arbitrators (hakamayn) as well. He said: “It is valid for the spouses to make them arbitrators with the title of hakam, just as it is valid to be as an agent (wakil), or with a difference. The difference is that the two arbitrators judge according to what they see as reform (salah), after appointing them as such, whereas the agent (wakil) cannot act except within the scope of the agency. This is the difference between the two matters.” 41. 

As for the spouses’ families, if they appoint two persons for arbitration in the discord, it requires the permission (ijazah) of the spouses for them to be agents (wakilayn) on their behalf, so that their opinion is executed within the limits of agency, or on the basis that they are arbitrators (hakamayn) as per Sayyid al-Shirazi’s view, or by the permission of the religious ruler (hakim al-shar’i), making them arbitrators whose decision is enforced. If the spouses’ families appoint two arbitrators without the permission of the spouses or the ruler, it is not considered valid, except within the limits of mediation for reconciling the parties (islah dhat al-bayn). 

The religious ruler (hakim al-shar’i) has the authority to appoint the two arbitrators even without the spouses’ consent, especially if their dispute has been raised to him. If there is no religious ruler, or he cannot be reached, then the just believers (‘udul al-mu’minin) assume this responsibility. The authority among them appoints the two arbitrators, and their decision is binding. 

Qualifications of the Two Arbitrators 

For the two arbitrators to succeed in their reform mission and for their decisions to be approved by the Lawgiver (Shari’), they must possess the qualifications that help in that. Jurists have discussed these conditions as follows: 

1. Kinship to the spouses: The noble verse specifies that the two arbitrators be from the spouses’ families ﴿ … appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family… ﴾ 34, because this is often more successful for the mission of reform. If an outsider is more capable of influencing, there is no harm in choosing them. Similarly, if they have no family, or no one from their families is suitable for this role, any two suitable individuals can be chosen. 
2. Maturity (Bulugh). 
3. Sanity (‘Aql). 
4. Competence (Salahiyyah): Meaning their ability to perform this role, with knowledge of rulings related to marital rights and possessing social experience. The arbitrator from each side can be two or more persons. 
5. Justice (‘Adalah): This is a condition according to Sunni jurists, while Shia jurists do not stipulate it. 
6. Islam: A condition if the spouses are Muslims. 
7. Being Male (Dhukurah): Some jurists have stipulated this, while most remain silent about it. Some jurists explicitly state it is not a condition. Sayyid al-Sabzawari said: “It appears that masculinity is not to be considered in them, as women are capable of this.” 42. 

 

The Mission of the Two Arbitrators 

The primary goal of arbitration is to reform marital relations affected by conflict and discord and return them to a state of harmony and accord. To accomplish this mission, each arbitrator must speak with the person they represent openly and frankly to understand their actual situation, complaints, and demands, and discuss the matter with them to reach a resolution for treatment. 

 

Then the two arbitrators meet and discuss the matter with clarity and transparency. Neither should hide from the other anything relevant to handling the matter. They agree on a single solution. Their opinion is binding on both parties. “Whatever their opinion settles on and they judge by, it is executed upon the spouses, and they are obliged to be satisfied with it, provided it is permissible (sa’ighan). For example, they may stipulate that the husband house the wife in a certain town, or a specific dwelling, or with her parents, or that his mother or sister not live with her in the same house, even in a separate unit, or that a co-wife not live with her in one house, and the like. Or they may stipulate on her that she defer a current dowry (mahr) to a later date, or return what she had received as a loan, and the like. This is different from if it is not permissible, such as stipulating that he abandon some rights of a co-wife, like division (qasm), maintenance, or others.” 43. 

 

If the two arbitrators see that the solution is divorce and separation, does their decision take effect? 

 

Shia jurists restrict the enforceability of the two arbitrators’ decision to matters related to reform and reconciliation (al-islah wal jam’). As for separation (al-tafriq), their decision does not take effect unless they are agents (wakilayn) for the spouses in that matter, or if they stipulated from the beginning that they have the power to both reconcile and separate, or with the husband’s agreement to divorce. If separation entails the wife giving a ransom (fidyah), her consultation and agreement are required. In this, the Shia agree with Abu Hanifah, al-Shafi’i, and one of the two narrations from Ahmad ibn Hanbal. According to the Malikis, their decision takes effect in both reconciliation and separation. 

 

Polygyny (Ta’addud al-Zawjat) 

 

The natural state is for a man to marry one woman, with feelings of love and affection concentrated between them, each dominating the other’s heart without rival, and they share in building a happy family life that produces righteous children and individuals for society. 

 

However, the system of polygyny (having multiple wives) has been common among some men in human societies since ancient history. It was never a general state in any society, where every man married more than one wife. Rather, it occurred that some men married a number of women, and often those men with multiple wives were from the ruling class, or the wealthy and influential. 

 

Among the most famous peoples who adopted polygyny in ancient times were: the Hebrews, the pre-Islamic Arabs, the Slavs, and some Saxon peoples. It was practiced among the Jews, and the Iranians during the Sassanid era, and among other peoples. Judaism permitted polygyny, and Christianity has no text prohibiting it. 

 

Polygyny had no limit in some societies, like the pre-Islamic Arabs. It was narrated that Ghaylan ibn Salamah accepted Islam while having ten wives. The Prophet (s) told him: “Keep four and separate from the rest.” 44. Abu Dawud and Ibn Majah narrated from Qays ibn al-Harith who said: “I accepted Islam while I had eight wives. I came to the Prophet (s) and mentioned that to him. He (s) said: ‘Choose four of them.'” Al-Shafi’i narrated from Nawfal ibn Mu’awiyah that he accepted Islam while having five wives. The Prophet (s) told him: “Keep four and separate from the other.” 45. Christensen mentioned in his book Iran in the Time of the Sassanians that the principle of polygyny was considered the basis of family formation, and a man could marry as many women as he could. 46. 

 

Social Analysis 

 

The historian and philosopher Will Durant discussed the system of polygyny in human history and the justifications that produced it in human societies in his encyclopedia The Story of Civilization. We quote the following paragraphs from his analysis: 

 

“The clergy (Christian) in the Middle Ages thought that polygyny was a system invented by Muhammad, unprecedented before him, but it is in fact a system that preceded Islam by many years, as it was the system that prevailed in the primitive world. There are several reasons that all worked to generalize and spread this system. 

 

The life of men in early society was more violent and more exposed to danger due to their involvement in hunting and fighting, so death among men was higher than among women. This continuous increase in the number of women placed before them a choice between two states: either polygyny or celibacy, which was unavoidable for some women. 

 

Also, men love their companions (concubines) to be young, and women aged quickly in primitive societies. Indeed, women themselves sometimes favored polygyny to space out the intervals between childbirths, without diminishing the man’s desire and love for offspring. Sometimes the first wife, burdened by the load of work, encouraged her husband to marry a second woman to share the hardship of work and produce children for the family, increasing their output and wealth. 

 

Undoubtedly, polygyny suited the need of primitive society in this regard perfectly, as women outnumbered men. Polygyny had a greater virtue in improving the offspring than the virtue of monogamy we adopt today. Because while you see the most capable and wisest men in the modern era are those who marry later than others and are those who produce the fewest children, you see the opposite under polygyny, which allows the most capable men – most likely – to win the best women and produce the most children. For this reason, polygyny was able to survive for a long time among almost all primitive peoples, and even among most groups of civilized humans. It only began to disappear in the East in our present era, due to several factors conspiring for its disappearance. 

 

In this state, even overt polygyny became a privilege enjoyed only by the wealthy minority, while the majority of people do not exceed one wife, then they alleviate the burden on their souls through adultery, while you see another minority preferring celibacy, willingly or unwillingly.” 47. 

 

Justifications for Polygyny 

 

The justifications for polygyny in human societies, pointed out by the historian Durant, are real justifications. We can clarify them further through the following points: 

 

1. The number of females is usually greater than the number of males. This is not only due to more female births sometimes, but also because males are exposed to more dangers and causes of death, such as wars and work accidents. The British philosopher Bertrand Russell mentions in his book Marriage and Morals that there were – at the time of writing – over two million more women than men in England. According to prevailing custom, these women must live barren to the end of their lives, which constitutes a great deprivation for them. The monogamy system is based on the assumption of equal numbers of women and men in a country. When this equality is absent, a great injustice falls upon those who must live in celibacy according to this mathematical law. 48. 

 

1. After World War II, German newspapers wrote about the deprivation of a large number of women from obtaining a husband and a family home. A pressure movement from women arose on the German government to abolish the monogamy law and establish polygyny, but the church opposed it. 49. 

 

1. Women reach maturity and are ready for marriage faster than men. Girls born in the same year as boys are biologically and psychologically ready for marriage a few years before them, as is known. At the same time, sexual readiness diminishes and fades faster in women; their reproductive capacity and physical fitness wane before men’s. Therefore, it has become common for a man to marry a woman several years younger. 

 

1. Women go through periods of sexual impediments, such as menstruation and some periods of pregnancy, while men do not suffer from such things. 

 

1. Some women lose their husbands for various reasons, such as death or divorce. They may not easily attract men’s attention as a first wife. A woman may be infertile or have another illness. Under a purely monogamous system, such cases are difficult to address. 

 

All these reasons produce spinsterhood and deprivation from marriage for some women, and may drive men to illicit sexual relations, from which Western societies currently suffer, in a vulgar and scandalous manner. 

 

Because of this, Islam validated the previously practiced system of polygyny, but within limits and controls. 

 

Limits of Polygyny 

 

Muslim jurists unanimously agree that a man may not marry more than four wives in a permanent marriage (nikah al-da’im) at the same time. Even if he divorces one of them, he may not marry a fifth until his divorced wife has completed her waiting period (iddah), if the divorce is revocable (raj’i), i.e., he is permitted to revoke it. 

 

If the divorce is irrevocable (ba’in), the well-known view among Shia jurists is that he is permitted to marry another before her waiting period ends. This is the view of Sayyid al-Shirazi among contemporary scholars. It is also the fatwa of the Malikis and Shafi’is. 50. Some Shia jurists, such as Sayyid al-Sistani among contemporaries, have exercised precaution (ihtiyat) by obligating waiting until the end of the waiting period for the irrevocable divorce. This is also the view of the Hanafis, who see the obligation to wait even in the case of irrevocable divorce. 49. 

 

If the waiting period is due to the annulment (faskh) of the marriage, waiting is not obligatory by agreement of the jurists. If the fourth wife dies, is it obligatory for him to wait, or is he permitted to marry another immediately? The well-known view among Shia jurists is that waiting is not obligatory, and this is also the view of Sunni jurists. However, some Shia jurists obligated observing a waiting period as a precaution (ihtiyatan) – the death waiting period of four months and ten days. This is the view of Sayyid al-Sistani. 

 

Limiting polygyny to four is based on His Almighty saying: ﴿ … Then marry those that please you of (other) women, two, three, or four… ﴾ 51, in addition to many explicit hadiths to this limit. The letter ‘waw’ in His saying: ﴿ … two, three, or four… ﴾ 51 indicates choice (takhyir), meaning either two, or three, or four. This is agreed upon by Muslims. Dr. Wahbah al-Zuhayli in his book Al-Fiqh al-Islami wa Adillatuh attributes to the Shia that they permit marriage to nine wives, based on their interpretation of the ‘waw’ here as for conjunction (jam’), two, three, and four, totaling nine. 45. He does not mention a source for this claim. This statement is a fabrication against the Shia. It does not appear in their books of tafsir or jurisprudence. It is an example of reporting about the Shia from opposing and hostile sources to paint a distorted picture of them, far from objectivity and reality. 

 

The limit of four is specific to permanent marriage (nikah al-da’im). As for temporary marriage (al-zawaj al-mu’aqqat / mut’ah), whose permissibility the Shia continue to uphold, it is not subject to this limit. 

 

The Necessity of Justice among Wives 

A man is permitted to marry more than one wife if he finds himself capable of treating them with justice (‘adl), meaning not transgressing the rights of one in favor of another in maintenance (nafaqah) or overnight stay (mabit). He must bear the expenses of his wives; he may not shortchange the needs of one. The maintenance of each is according to her situation and status. Justice does not mean equality, but providing the necessities. If the life of one requires more expense than the other, he must provide that, while also fulfilling the needs of the other within her requirements. 

 

Regarding overnight stay, he must be equitable in division (qasm) among his wives. A wife’s right is that her husband stays with her one night out of every four. It is not permissible for someone who knows that he cannot be just to marry more than one, according to His Almighty saying: ﴿ … But if you fear that you will not be just, then (marry only) one… ﴾ 51. 

 

Stipulating No Polygyny 

If the wife stipulates on the husband in the marriage contract or elsewhere that he should not marry another wife, the condition is valid, and he is bound not to marry another. If he does marry another, he is sinful and guilty, but his marriage is valid. 52. 

 

The Stance on Polygyny 

From a legal perspective, Islam has permitted polygyny within the prescribed limits and controls. A Muslim cannot object to the legislations of Islam. As long as the matter is within the framework of permissibility and allowance, it is left to each person’s situation and circumstances, and to the prevailing customs and considerations in society. 

 

It is clear that life’s circumstances today have become more complex than before. Taking another wife means managing another family, requiring financial expenses and efforts in care and upbringing. Whoever is capable of that and confident in applying the legally required justice, it is not correct to hinder his desire and will for polygyny. 

 

There are people in society whose personal and family circumstances call for taking another wife. However, the exaggerated sensitivity of the first wife may put the man before one of two difficult choices: either to suppress his desire and ignore his need, perhaps resorting to the forbidden path, or to risk destroying and demolishing his family home. 

 

On the other hand, the number of single (unmarried) women (‘awanis) is increasing. Polygyny is what gives them hope for a normal life and provides them with the opportunity for marital happiness and practicing motherhood. Statistics from the Ministry of Planning in Saudi Arabia indicated that the number of girls who have not married and have exceeded the socially acceptable marriage age (30 years) reached approximately 1,925,814 by the end of 1999. The statistic also showed that the number of married women in Saudi Arabia was 2,836,475. 53. An earlier statistic mentioned that the number of single women in Kuwait reached 40,000. 54. 

 

We must admit that part of the problem lies in the bad models and experiences that may occur by those who marry another wife, then do not practice justice. Instead, they neglect the first wife, wrong her rights, and even their care and attention for their children from her diminish. 

 

While the justifications for an emotional inclination towards a new wife are understood, expressed by the noble verse ﴿ And you will never be able to be just between women, even if you should strive to do so… ﴾ 55, meaning the impossibility of justice in psychological and emotional inclination, it is not logical for a person not to be just in the possible aspect, which is justice in maintenance, care, and fulfilling legal rights. He Almighty says: … 56. 

 

It is narrated from Imam Muhammad al-Baqir (a), from his grandfather the Messenger of Allah (s), that he said: “Whoever has two wives and does not act justly between them in division (qasm) of himself and his wealth, will come on the Day of Resurrection shackled, leaning to one side, until he enters the Fire.” 57. Something similar was narrated from Abu Hurayrah from him (s), and it was recorded by al-Tirmidhi and al-Hakim. 58. 

 

— 

Footnotes: 

 

1. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Rum (30), Verse: 21, Page: 406.
2. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Nisa’ (4), Verse: 19, Page: 80.
3. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Baqarah (2), Verse: 231, Page: 37.
4. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Talaq (65), Verse: 6, Page: 559.
5. Al-Majlisi: Muhammad Baqir, Bihar al-Anwar, Vol. 100, p. 253.
6. Previoussource: p. 244. 
7. Al-Hurr al-Amili: Muhammad ibn al-Hasan,Wasa’ilal-Shia, Hadith No. 25340. 
8. Previoussource: Hadith No. 24930. 
9. Previoussource: Hadith No. 25330. 
10. Previoussource: Hadith No. 25334. 
11. Al-Majlisi: Muhammad Baqir, Bihar al-Anwar, Vol. 75, p. 237.
12. Al-Hindi: Ali al-Muttaqi, Kanz al-Ummal, Hadith No. 44771.
13. Previoussource: Hadith No. 44776. 
14. Previoussource: Hadith No. 44796. 
15. Previoussource: Hadith No. 44804. 
16. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Baqarah (2), Verse: 229, Page: 36.
17. a. b. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Baqarah (2), Verse: 230, Page: 36.
18. a. b. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Baqarah (2), Verse: 228, Page: 36.
19. Shams al-Din: Shaykh Muhammad Mahdi,Huquqal-Zawjiyyah, pp. 17-18, First Edition 1996, International Institute for Studies and Publishing – Beirut. 
20. a. b. c. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Nisa’ (4), Verse: 34, Page: 84.
21. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Nisa’ (4), Verse: 128, Page: 99.
22. Al-Sistani: Sayyid Ali al-Husayni, Minhaj al-Salihin. Al-Mu’amalat, Part 2,Mas’ala350. 
23. Ibn Qudamah: Al-Mughni, Vol. 10, p. 259, Second Edition 1992,Hijr- Cairo. 
24. Al-Najafi: Shaykh Muhammad Hasan, Jawahir al-Kalam, Vol. 11, p. 132, First Edition 1992 – Beirut.
25. Al-Shirazi: Sayyid Muhammad al-Husayni, Al-Fiqh, Vol. 67, p. 364.
26. Al-Nuri al-Tabrisi: Mirza Husayn,Mustadrakal-Wasa’il, Hadith No. 16619. 
27. Previoussource: Hadith No. 16618. 
28. Al-Kulayni: Muhammad ibn Ya’qub, Al-Kafi, Vol. 5, p. 509.
29. Al-Sistani: Sayyid Ali al-Husayni, Minhaj al-Salihin, Al-Mu’amalat, Part 2,Mas’ala353. 
30. Al-Zuhayli: Dr. Wahbah, Al-Fiqh al-IslamiwaAdillatuh, Vol. 7, p. 340. 
31. Ibn Qudamah: Al-Mughni, Vol. 10, p. 261.
32. Al-Bukhari: Muhammad ibn Isma’il, Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith No. 5364.
33. Al-Sistani: Sayyid Ali al-Husayni, Minhaj al-Salihin, Al-Mu’amalat, Part 2,Mas’ala360. 
34. a. b. c. d. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Nisa’ (4), Verse: 35, Page: 84.
35. a. b. Al-Najafi: Shaykh Muhammad Hasan, Jawahir al-Kalam, Vol. 11, p. 137.
36. Al-Khatib: Shaykh Muhammad al-Shirbini, Mughni al-Muhtaj, Vol. 3, p. 261, DarIhya’ al-Turathal-Arabi – Beirut. 
37. Al-Sabzawari: Sayyid Abd al-A’la,Muhadhdhabal-Ahkam, Vol. 25, p. 228. 
38. Al-Najafi: Shaykh Muhammad Hasan, Jawahir al-Kalam, Vol. 11, p. 136.
39. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Hujurat(49), Verse: 10, Page: 516.
40. Al-Sabzawari: Sayyid Abd al-A’la,Muhadhdhabal-Ahkam, Vol. 25, p. 229. 
41. Al-Shirazi: Sayyid Muhammad al-Husayni, Al-Fiqh, Vol. 67, p. 404.
42. Al-Sabzawari: Sayyid Abd al-A’la,Muhadhdhabal-Ahkam, Vol. 25, p. 231. 
43. Al-Sistani: Sayyid Ali al-Husayni, Minhaj al-Salihin – Al-Mu’amalat, Part 2,Mas’ala362. 
44. Ibn Ashur: Muhammad al-Tahir, Al-Tahrirwaal-Tanwir, Vol. 4, p. 17. 
45. a. b. Al-Zuhayli: Wahbah, Al-Fiqh al-IslamiwaAdillatuh, Vol. 7, p. 166. 
46. Mutahhari: Murtada, NizamHuquq al-Mar’ah fi al-Islam, p. 269, Third Edition 1987 – Tehran. 
47. Durant: Will, The Story of Civilization, Vol. 1, pp. 70-72, Dar al-Fikr 1988.
48. Mutahhari: Murtada, NizamHuquq al-Mar’ah, pp. 292-297. 
49. a. b.Previoussource. 
50. Al-Mawsu’ahal-Fiqhiyyah- Kuwait, Vol. 36, p. 225. 
51. a. b. c. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Nisa’ (4), Verse: 3, Page: 77.
52. Al-Sistani: Sayyid Ali, Minhaj al-Salihin, Vol. 3,Mas’ala333; Al-Shirazi: Sayyid Muhammad, Ajwibat al-Masa’il al-Shar’iyyah, compiled by Ja’far al-Ha’iri, 4392. 
53. Al-Mujallad(weekly), London, Issue 1071, dated 26/8/2000, p. 21.
54. Al-Muslimunnewspaper, London, Issue 666, dated 7/7/1418 AH.
55. The Holy Quran: Surat al-Nisa’ (4), Verse: 129, Page: 99.
56. The Holy Quran: Surat (3), Verses: 4 – 3, Pages: -1.
57. Al-Hurr al-Amili: Muhammad ibn al-Hasan,Wasa’ilal-Shia, Hadith No. 27248. 
58. Official website of Sheikh Hasan al-Saffar (may Allah protect him), and the article published in Al-Minhaj magazine (Islamic – Intellectual – Quarterly), issued by Al-Ghadir Center for Islamic Studies (Beirut), Issue 33, Year 9, Rabi’ al-Awwal 1425 AH – 2004 AD.